Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
