So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
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