Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize