You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
