3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Just pee around me
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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