Well douche your snatch and let's go!
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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