just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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