I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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