the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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