There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
