all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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