I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize