So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
