I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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