Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
