He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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