Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
