did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
