We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I could make wine with my vomit
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
3pm strippers are depressing
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
