remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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