how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
