Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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