How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize