You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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