there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
