So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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