either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
