Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize