I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize