You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
