Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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