We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
