It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
