I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
