it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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