I need to stop coming to work sober
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize