I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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