you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
