Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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