they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
