How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
