it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
