I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
this must be what syphilis tastes like
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
