yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
