his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
