Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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