Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
