from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
