Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
