the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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