Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
