Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
