I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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