You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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