Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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