I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
